Portishead Radio

An RO was observed standing up punching away at a typewriter. When he had finished someone asked him why he was typing standing up "I was receiving a message for Her Majesty The Queen" he solemnly replied.

Then there was the British RO on a British ship who called Rogaland Radio on RT and asked for the traffic list times. On being told that the foreign traffic lists were at such and such a time, he said "Look here old man I'm not foreign, I'm British."

After office phonos duty one evening (remember those) I answered a call and a lady on the other end said

" I have received a telegram from my husband who is due home from his ship in the middle east. He says

I should meet him in Norwich? I am a bit confused as I expected him to be landing at Heathrow or Gatwick and did

not even know they had an international airport at Norwich!!.

Being a completely innocent and naive soul I said I would check and get right back to her. On making enquiries

with others on duty I was politely and amusingly advised that NORWICH meant "nickers off ready when I come home". !!!

I decided to phone the lady back and when she replied (and me trying to keep a straight face) I asked if she

was "broad minded" and when she said yes I told here the exact meaning of her telegram!!...... She burst out

laughing and I am not sure to this day which one of us was the most embarrassed !!! (courtesy of Steve Allison)

During one particular shift I was asked by a vessel to do a QSP. I duly obtained the traffic for this second vessel

and passed it on. On completion I asked the RO if I could accept his "roger" as an acknowledgment

of receipt for the other vsls traffic. He said yes/ok - but I still had doubts for some reason and so I asked him

again. He said yes definitely because I actually have the other ships R/O standing right next to me......" his own ship sank yesterday and we rescued the crew" !!!!! (courtesy of Steve Allison)

One new (non-sea-going) R/O had just completed his R/T training, and had just been called by the QE2/GBTT. Upon asking the vessel’s position, the QE2 replied ‘just off Newfoundland’. A long silence from Portishead was only ended when the R/O on the QE2 broke in ‘you don’t know where that is, do you?’ – one red-faced young R/O took a lot of stick for weeks afterwards….

The staff notice board was a favourite place for R/Os to (anonymously) comment on management policy, and it was not uncommon for notices to be appended with such comments as "2 out of 10" or "could do better". One particularly memorable notice urging staff to save money by using rewound telex rolls (thereby using both sides of the paper) was soon replaced by a notice urging staff to use both sides of toilet paper for reasons of economy. Another notice announced the introduction of "stork" microphones (referring to the new "stalk" microphones installed in R/T, to which the following (or similar)) was appended:

FOR SALE - 3kW Fan Heater - this was anonymously changed to a 3kW Fanny Heater...

FOR SALE - 6' x 4' Garden Shed, £300 or near offer. This was felt by one R/O to be overpriced, who inscribed the notice with '£500 near enough?'...

FOR SALE - Stabilisers for Child's cycle. These were consequently brought in and presented to one certain R/O who had recently fallen off his motor bike....

There was also a notice advertising club 18-30 holidays (yes there were some young R/Os there!). Unfortunately one well-travelled R/O added the phrase 'much cheap jiggy jiggy' to the notice...

One enterprising R/O purchased a book from the visiting book salesman with the intention of presenting it as a retirement present to one particular overseer famous for his spelling mistakes - the title of the book? 'My 500 first words'...

The Nigerian "River" boats were always a pain to work both on W/T and R/T. However, one vessel caused light relief by calling us on R/T in the following manner:

"This is the River Ogbese, I spell: Romeo, India, Victor, Echo, Romeo, Ogbese"

Again on R/T, one young lady R/O (who shall remain nameless), was taking down a telegram from a vessel whose main w/t transmitter had gone faulty. As was the norm in those days, telegrams were taken down directly on a telegram form by typewriter. Unfortunately, the typewriter keys jammed halfway through the transcription process, prompting the young lady concerned to tell the vessel; ‘sorry old man, my typewriter jammed – I’ll have to finish you off by hand!’

One GKA R/T operator was heard to transmit the following: "will the ship calling please be quiet you are interrupting a call in progress'' (or similar wording)"

Upon closer listening the ship calling was transmitting "MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY this is etc"

A vessel’s captain requested a call home and was duly connected. However, upon lifting the telephone receiver, all that could be heard was the sound of a dog barking. Eventually, the captain’s wife came on the line, and proceeded to complain about the lack of money, children’s school problems, too many bills to pay etc.. The captain, obviously fed up with hearing all this told his wife to shut up and would she kindly put the dog on again please.

Iriships in Dublin once sent a telegram to all of their vessels stating that crew would from now on be paid every two weeks instead of fortnightly.

Texaco in London sent a telegram to all of their vessels requesting that due to the increasing cost of telegrams, masters should refrain from ending them with the word ‘Regards’. The telegram was signed ‘Regards Texaco’.

One R/O on a particularly busy and stressful morning, once answered the telephone with the immortal line "Good Morning, Portishead Radio, How can you help me?"

I received a MEDICO on R/T one night - from (can't remember what ship it was). The Captain sounded quite amused before he let me know what the problem was. Anyway, I put him thru to Plymouth RN Hospital as usual, then the story goes like this - " We have a crew member who, while standing in the shower, slipped and fell on top of an aerosol can (with the top still on)". Unfortunately, the aerosol top came off and stuck up his bum. This I had to impart to the very amused Doctor at the other end. After he had picked himself up off the floor I connected him to the Capt. The Capt asked how he was supposed to remove the said object from the said orifice. The more he tried to extract it, the more it carried on it's journey and the swelling got worse! The only thing the Doc could suggest was to get him to the nearest port and hospital to get it extracted. (Never did find out if he ever got it out).

At the end of a night shift (2300-0800), one R/O fell asleep at his his w/t point. At 0800, the night shift crept out and the morning shift crept in, amazingly without waking him. He eventually woke up at around 0820....

Some companies tried to save money on telegrams by condensing their words into groups of 10 letters or less. One incident involved CP (Canadian Pacific) Ships, who once started a telegram with the words ‘shipisold andneeds toproceed toportfor repairs etc…..’ Unfortunately the R/O on the vessel concerned took the first word as meaning ship is sold, resulting in numerous telegrams back and forth until the situation was clarified.

Radio overseers (managers) also feature highly in the legendary stories. On one winter's morning, with the roads knee-deep in snow, one keen R/O left his house to walk to work only to hear his next-door neighbour (and overseer) shout out of the window "tell 'em I won't be at work today, I'm snowed in"

Another similar episode occurred when an R/O and an overseer were cycling to work. The overseer overtook our R/O with a friendly 'good morning', only to book the R/O for being late on arrival....

One overseer (who shall remain nameless, but has been featured elsewhere) had the habit of disappearing on nights at around 0100 to fit in a few hours' sleep. For obvious reasons, the R/O staff took exception to this. On one memorable occasion, one R/O was instructed to 'keep watch' and alert the rest of the staff when the overseer woke from his slumbers. When the alert was given at around 0600, the whole staff disappeared out of the building, leaving the overseer searching for around 20 absent R/Os.

Before the welfare club opened it was customary for those who liked to imbibe to share a car and bomb up Worston Lane to spend a grace relief in the 'Lighthouse Inn' - the more determined could sink three pints in the fifteen minutes available (which included travelling time) One icy night, a certain Ford Cortina set out and failed to negotiate the first bend, spinning on black ice and finished up at a 45 degree angle in the ditch. Unhurt, and undeterred the occupants, ran back to the car park, took a reserve vehicle and still managed to get the three pints in. PS - The Cortina started first time when the tow truck dragged it out the following day!

Back in the 50's GKA provided an MF service with its GRL transmitter used mainly on telegraphy and only rarely on R/T. Despite this it was tested daily by the maintenance man, the usual practice being adopted i.e. huffing and puffing into the handset and noting the response on the aerial ammeter. One day, the maintenance man did this and got no reaction. He huffed and puffed some more, before turning to a colleague in a loud voice and declaring ' This f....... thing's not working'. Unfortunately it was only the meter that had failed - his beautifully modulated voice rang out over the airwaves.

Changes in frequency on MF were performed by staff at the Portishead site, and communication was via an order wire and service morse 'PEY' followed by the working frequency. Portishead then changed frequency. This key was, however,sited alongside the W/T broadcast key. On more than one occasion Portishead phoned to say that they, and not the listening ships, had received the latest traffic list.

Portishead Radio was of course renowned for 'getting on with the job' with very few pretensions. During the 1982 Falklands Conflict, HRH Prince Andrew called on the aeronautical channels for a call back to HM the Queen. The duty R/O duly connected the call with a brusque 'speak up son, your mum's on the line'.

During the heady 'New Romantic Days' of the mid 1980's Simon Le Bon (lead singer with Duran Duran) was a regular customer with calls to and from his yacht 'Drum'. On one occasion he was put firmly in his place by being asked who he was and how to spell his name.

Finally, there was the incident when the Chairman of Cunard, Sir Basil Smallpiece, rang Portishead on Christmas Day, requesting a call to the QE2. In those days, Christmas Day calls had to be booked days in advance, with strict slots and restrictions allocated to vessels. Sir Basil was initially politely advised that no further bookings were being taken, but he insisted that his booking be processed. ‘Do you know who I am?’ he asked. ‘No’ replied the Portishead R/O. ‘I am Sir Basil Smallpiece, Chairman of Cunard’ he retorted.

The Portishead R/O responded with the immortal line ‘ I don’t care if you are Sir Basil (expletive) Brush, you still can’t have your call’.

A letter of complaint duly followed, in which Sir Basil stated that he understood why he couldn’t have the call, but he did take exception to being compared to a furry rodent.